The Five Stages Of Brain Surgery

I've been thinking a lot about time and experiences lately, about how we allow or don't allow things to affect us.

My husband is about to have brain surgery. Which I suppose is what's lead me to think like this.

A psychologist could probably have a field day with watching me deal with the surgery. They could have enough to write a dissertation or teach a whole class. I think I've had my own version of the five stages of whatever. Call it the five stages of brain surgery.

My first stage was acceptance. Which I know is generally the last stage, but what are you gonna do with my brain.

I didn't fight the diagnosis. I didn't question why this was happening to us. I just accepted it. I suppose I did that as a weird coping mechanism, like if I just accepted it right away, if I forced my brain to say yes this is happening, then I could move into more practical things.

My brain, always the practical one.

Practical things like planning everything out and being able to be level headed and rational with all the small decisions that have to be made and executed when your husband has brain surgery.

My second stage was guilt. It was probably the hardest, most unexplained, and weirdest stage. But also thankfully the shortest.

I went through a lot of journal pages and half understood thoughts during this stage. Things like "What if I had prayed more for him?" "What if I had been a better wife?" "What if I hadn't done x in high school or college, is this karma for x?"

I blubbered and cried a lot of ugly tears and had to confess this stage out loud a few different times to a few different people before the "Of course my husband's brain not working properly is not my fault" moment finally kicked in.

My third stage was aggression. I say aggression versus anger because I was never angry at the situation. With my first stage being acceptance, I never got to have an anger-at-the-situation stage.

But I definitely had an aggression stage.

I might still be in this stage a little bit.

Am I allowed to be in two stages at once?

Anyways, this is the stage where my stress level is at a constant 9 out of 10, meaning that the smallest, most inconsequential things set me off, where I snap at my husband for no reason at all sometimes, where I'm just not a very nice person to be around, quite honestly.

I told someone during the thick of this stage that I'm realizing what an angry person I am inside, if left to my own devices. This stage requires both immense amounts of prayer, and ridiculous amounts of deep breathing exercises.

I hate this stage most because while I know it's brought on by the stress of brain surgery, it doesn't feel as related to the surgery as the other stages have been, so it's harder to deal with. Which is why I'm still in this stage a little bit. The other stages felt easier to deal with because I, myself and mostly alone, could deal with them. This stage is a lot of grasping and crying out to God for help, and hanging onto Him for dear life. So I suppose this stage is the one that will ultimately bring me closer to Him, even if I'm kicking and screaming as I'm getting closer.

The other stage I'm in right now, the fourth stage (or 3.5 depending on how you want to name it), has to do with that time and experience I mentioned at the beginning. In this stage, I'm realizing that I have to tackle this little thing of brain surgery head on.

That pun just came out naturally, I swear.

I'm learning that while I can just shut down and wait for the next month or so to pass by, that's not what is healthy or beneficial. If I want to actually learn and grow as a human, then I have to allow experiences to wash over me in waves, to be "present in the moment" to use a very overused and feel-good kind of phrase. I need to sit down often in this stage with pen and paper, and allow myself the space to say "What can I learn from this experience?" and "How can I grow emotionally from this time?" and "How can I force myself to slow down and catch all of this?"

I'm going to evolve and be affected by this experience of brain surgery one way or another. You don't go through brain surgery and extensive, heavy-duty recovery with your life partner and not be affected. So I'm trying to control and maybe even manipulate how I'm affected so it's in a good, positive way, a way that maybe just maybe can make me into a better version of myself.

I'm finding in this stage that being present is not something I'm very good at. I'm so over-stimulated by apps on my phone and insignificant things on Netflix that I forget to shut down the noises screaming at me so I can focus on the things whispering around me.

I'm not saying I'm turning into a hippie or putting my fist through my electronics or moving to a cabin in the middle of nowhere or getting off the grid and turning into Ron Swanson. But I am trying to take steps that help me be less distracted by the fuss.

So those are my first four stages. I guess I'll get to have one more the week of surgery or in the 3-5 weeks of recovery.

Here's hoping that last stage is a good one.