Some Worries, Man

A few years ago, someone told me I was the most optimistic person they knew. 'Oh no,' I thought but didn't say out loud, 'Thank goodness you can't see how insanely negative I am in my head.'

I think I do often try to present with optimism even though that's not what's going on internally. I've thought a lot over the past year about why I do this, and I've come to the conclusion that it's not because I'm trying to lie about who I really am or really think about, it's because I wish I was an optimist. I wish that when I say 'no worries' about something, I really had no worries about it. In reality, I have about a hundred worries about it.

If you've never known someone with an anxiety disorder or fought with an anxiety disorder yourself, then you don't understand the sheer exhaustion someone with an anxiety disorder is feeling.*

*I'm saying anxiety disorder versus just saying anxiety because I think 98% of the population has some level of anxiety. It's hard to be a human and never experience anxiety. But an anxiety disorder is a whole other level; it's something that typically needs to be treated with medication, therapy, etc.

I've written about my experience with an anxiety disorder before - back in 2019 when I was first learning about anxiety disorders I wrote this piece about a day in my life at the time, and then another piece where I wrote about my experiences having panic attacks. Having lived a lot of life since those pieces were written and dealt with a lot more severe anxiety since then, I can attest to that exhaustion I mentioned. It's hard being in your own mind as a regular human, then throw an anxiety disorder or depression or bipolar or any other mental illness in the mix, and it's a hundred times harder and a hundred times more exhausting.

With an anxiety disorder specifically, you don't get to choose if you're going to be optimistic or pessimistic about something, you are immediately, by default, pessimistic. If you want to create positivity, you have to challenge nearly every thought, every feeling, and every idea that comes through. You have to fight. It's exhausting, and you have to really, really want it.

I really, really want it.

So when something comes out of my mouth that it optimistic, it is either a) a pessimistic thought that has painstakingly gone through the process of morphing into an optimistic one and I'm letting it free because I've done the hard work or b) something that I don't yet believe but it's going through that process of becoming a belief.

All of this is why I'm choosing to post a Reel once a week on Instagram about the nice things I've done for myself and my mental health. I'm being optimistic that I can do this each week. And I'm being optimistic that I can want to be positive and nice to myself when some days it feels impossible. And finally, I'm being optimistic that posting about it just might help someone else think about their week in terms of what they did right instead of what they did wrong.

I don't have a lot else to say on this beautiful October Sunday. See you next week, when I will have thought of something else worth writing about.